Hello, it’s been a while. How are you?
Lets just say that things have been pretty tough the last couple of weeks. I was in a psychiatric hospital..twice. I will leave that story for another post. I would prefer to tell the story through a video though, so if anyone knows how to do that on word press please tell me!
When I was in hospital they diagnosed me with another mental illness (yay) called ‘Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder’ which is also known as Borderline Personality Disorder. Fun, huh?
So, what is this thing called Borderline Personality Disorder?
Borderline Personality Disorder is a disorder of mood and how a person interacts with others. It is the most commonly recognized personality disorder.
In general, someone with a personality disorder will differ significantly from an average person in terms of how he or she thinks, perceives, feels and relates to others.
What are the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder?
- Feeling very worried about people abandoning you and would do anything to stop that happening
- Have very intense emotions that last from a few hours to a few days and can change quickly
- Do not have a strong sense of who you are; this can change depending on who you are with
- You find it very difficult to make and keep stable relationships
- Acting impulsively and do things that could harm you
- Suicidal thoughts and self harming behaviour
- Feel empty and lonely a lot of the time
- You get angry and struggle to control your anger
- Feel paranoid when stressed
- Have psychotic experiences
- Feel ‘numb’
That is a lot of symptoms ey? So, what symptoms do i have and do they affect my day to day life?
Well, I am always worrying about people abandoning me. I always feel that i am not good enough and a lot of the time feel that people are tired of hearing about my mental illnesses and so on. I know myself that it is hard to deal with for myself and the people around me. In some cases some people have actually stopped talking to me because they couldn’t handle it. At the moment, after I was discharged from the hospital, I began to act like everything was okay solely because i felt that people were getting sick and tired of me and i felt that people were going to leave. I stopped going to therapy and i stopped taking my anti depressants because my family were saying that i was not the same person while i was on them. In a sense, i kind of tend to latch up when someone gives me attention and shows me that they care and will do anything to stop them leaving me. Maybe it is because i don’t want to be on my own. I’m not really sure.
My mood swings are constant and very dramatic. One minute i can be very happy and have so much motivation..a minute later it may change and i could be crying for an hour or so for so particular reason. This has an affect on my relationships and my overall mood and motivation throughout the day.
In some cases, I don’t really have a strong sense of who I am or why I’m here. I can’t really explain this one because i find it hard to understand myself.
I find it VERY hard to make and keep stable relationships. One minute I can feel so comfortable with a person and love their company. The next, i cannot stand that person and cannot be near them. My perspectives on people around me are continuously changing and this makes it hard to have relationships without arguments and without always having the ‘what is going on with us?’ talk. It gets very repetitive and i honestly cannot be bothered to answer the same question because i do not know what is going to happen in a few minutes to a few hours. My mood and perspectives change. I’m sorry i can’t help it.
I tend to do things that could harm me, eating disorder behaviours do come into this as well as using recreational drugs and speeding. But for me it is more my eating disorder and the things that i do within that. I purge, exercise excessively, don’t eat for a couple of days etc.
I have a lot of suicidal thoughts and self harming behaviours. Suicidal thoughts are a part of my day to day life and are always affecting my mood and the way that i am feeling on that day. Self harming behaviours come from my eating disorder but i do self harm now and then. Not so often now but i was self harming nearly every day a couple of years ago.
I always have a sense of emptiness. This has occurred for almost 3-4 years. It kind of links in to me feeling numb all of the time. Nothing really phases me. I can’ t really explain it other than even if i am in a room with 20 people..i will still feel lonely.
I get very paranoid when stressed. I begin to have psychotic episodes. I begin to feel that people are talking about me or watching me. I start to have voices in my head telling me i am a failure. I have major anxiety when i am stressed.
I also have psychotic experiences but will discuss that further in another post.
What causes Borderline personality disorder?
There has been so much research into why exactly Borderline personality occurs. However, there has been some theories such as:
- The environment that the person has grown up in
- Early childhood and teenage experiences
- Genetic factors
Since i was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, i have always been thinking about what triggered me into these sorts of behaviours.
I personally feel that the things that played a part in me having Borderline Personality Disorder was:
- Having a chaotic family life- I was continuously inbetween arguments with my Mum and Dad when i was younger. My Dad was always being chucked out of the house. They were nearly always drinking and taking drugs over the weekends and would be recovering for a few days after. When i was 11, my Dad had his own house. I had an argument with my mum and was chucked out and told to leave and live with my Dad. This became a constant thing. 6 months, living with dad. 6 months living with mum. An argument happened, i would be told to go and live with the other parent. (Confusing? Imagine how i felt! Like a tennis ball being pinged to each side of the court basically!)
- I never really had much support from my parents. No one really knew what was going on. They had their own problems. This is no disrespect to them, but they are so shit at listening to people! It literally goes in one ear and out of the other.
- Bad experience at school (explained in my other post about my journey through mental illness)
- Sexual assault.
What treatment is there for someone with Borderline Personality Disorder?
There are so many different therapies that could help someone with Borderline Personality Disorder such as:
- Talking Therapies
- Having an overall say in the treatment that you are having.
All of my life I have felt different, alienated and completely alone. It is only since my diagnosis of BPD that i began to understand why and, with help, to realise that i could actually do something to change those feelings and feel that i can achieve a life worth of living. -Anonymous
Do not suffer in silence. If you are suffering or know someone who is suffering from an eating disorder, depression, self-harm etc. Please get help.
Helpline 0808 801 0677
Youthline 0808 801 0711
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